i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
