how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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