I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
