when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
