I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
