i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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