sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
