One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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