We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
