I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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