your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
