I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
