I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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