My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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