so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im holly from the hills drunk
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
