Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
