my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
organizing the empties. That sober.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone signed my nipple.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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