She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
