Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
