dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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