i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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