the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Panties = found
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
