Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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