i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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