When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
