I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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