well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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