but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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