May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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