Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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