I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
