One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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