I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
