and i looked up. we had an audience...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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