Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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