Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize