I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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