omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
