My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
