On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
this just has baby written all over it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
