Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize