In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
