I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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