i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
