Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i think my cat just said my name.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
