a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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