What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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