You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize