Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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