We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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