All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
