i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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