i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
