Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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