I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
