Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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