if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
