I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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