my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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