No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
