I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
