I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
